A Love letter to Myself


My Dearest Arun,

Hello. I am you. And I have come here to meet you and to talk about you. How does it feel to be writing about me, by me? Funny isn’t it? And that is perhaps the way you have looked at all and everything around your life. Its Funny! It has always been that for you has it not?

As a younger version, you were playful, energetic and vibrant child full of life. Others around you were always happy to be around you. Everyone wanted a piece of Arun, did they not? Life of any game they wanted to play. Everyone wanted to defeat Arun, did they not? And you could perhaps never understand that reason why? When all you ever wanted was for everyone around you to be happy, and that sense of competition never touched you or bothered you. Do you now understand that it was never you who were wrong about how you felt, but they felt bad about themselves, and lashed back at you in so many ways, that hurt you? Even then, you never questioned yourself. Do you know why? Because your energy was always and has always been pure and they just did not understand it and it was not their place to understand you. Do you see this now? It was only you who have to know now and own your own inner glorious self, who wanted just laughter and happiness around you, and even more glorious is the fact that all along, through your childhood, you only ever wanted that… that simple simple thing of fun and laughter, without any conditions or requirements from others… do you see my dearest Arun, that THAT is you… your true essence? You always were a pure, glorious child, capable of living and breathing fun and laughter, all the time. Others around you, wanted your brilliance in homework, exams, games and so on. Not you. All you wanted was fun and laughter. Remember that as one of your essences. Your flavor. That is what you carried through as a child, with other children.

As you were a teenager, you came to shift places, came to a new town, and your own sexuality and hormones confused you along with the change of place, rudeness of the new friends in a new place hit you. And you did not know how to deal with so many changes all at once. And to compensate, you ate a lot of food, junk food and it came to show as your weight. And this you did as a means of survival, to protect yourself from the world around you, in your food. Do you see how you did that marvelously? Do you see how you championed yourself in those very difficult times? Not knowing. Not understanding. Not having belief in anything. Losing belief in yourself, because you did not even know why all this was happening around you? And yet, you came out with flying colors. You survived. You pushed through. You were persistent. You did make new friends. Ones who understood you, who connected with you. And you had fun with them, laughter once again. You tried to discover new meaning of life through philosophy and spirituality, even as a teen. Even in the face of meaninglessness of life and the thriving new found sexuality within you, you energized yourself, beyond what your teenage friends would do, you dived into core of spirituality with “who am I”? Do you see now, how that helped you cope with all that you had going on? Do you see how you handled multiple issues in your life at the same time! Do you see a winner there? Do you now see how a then, a champion was born, one who can come through any and all challenges, even not knowing the nature of everything around you and even strange people and places? Do you see how it prepared you for the next ground?

As you entered graduation college of engineering, yet again was another challenge for you, but you were better prepared, for you had laid the foundation of being prepared for unknowns. Do you see how magnificent you were in carving out yourself from within yourself and nothing more?!! You were thrown into a wider arena, with students from all over India, different languages, different groups, Rock music, Heavy metal, girls, engineering studies, strange place, strange dormitory, strange everything… and once again, you felt you were thrown into a whirlpool of chaos did you not?! And now, you brought forward, once again, all your capacities to deal with newness. You smoked and drank and partied with pot, and yet, you did make it. You made good friends, shared your heartfelt stories, read books after books, fiction to the Gita to Spirituality to Psychics, to Murder mysteries to everything. And all with a bottle of rum and a cigarette on the other? Remember how your friends used to drop by and say “Arun you’re such a maverick!” That is when they pointed out another essence of you? And it hit you like an AHA! And you dived deep into more learning and learning. Be it engineering or be it books. Remember how you sold your watches and calculators to buy books? Now do you see, how you understood yourself to be a maverick and a learning machine? Do you realize now how truly awesome, unique and powerful you are, and were even at that time? Now you discovered another layer to you, one that is learning, fun loving in addition to being all games and laughter. See the dimensions you were adding to your own charming personality, that others around you just could not get enough of?

And then you were called an engineer and you came to work. From the very first day at your first place of work, you brought a new element called innovation. Something that was done, you found ways to do it quicker and in shorter time? Remember how that charged you up? Each day of work from the first day, you always looked to new ways of doing same tasks, innovative ways, that infact made many around you jealous of you, and did things in fact to hurt you or backstab you? But do you now understand that they were putting themselves in a tiny box of submissiveness and you were enlarging the very box you were always put in?! Do you see how magnanimous that was on your part? Do you now believe innovative and creative you truly are? That was so wonderful! Now you journeyed from fun, laughter, to learning and maverick and further on to being innovative and creating out of the box!How you brought changes to organizations who felt a life has left them, when you left the organization? And yet no one had the magnanimousness to thank you for your energies? Do you now understand that it was never about them, but you had to revel in your own gloriousness and that is all that was ever needed?

And then came marriage and shifts and falling in love? Do you know that love starting appearing in your life then? And then you discovered that love is not one dimensional at all, that there were so many ways, you could love? Love of friends, love of children, love of women, love of colleagues? All the loves you had you drank in. But all the while, do you understand now, that you were only drinking in your love from other cups? They were all merely instruments of your own love, being expressed back to you? Do you understand this now? Do you see the beauty of all the reflections of love around you? And all the reflections, only came to show you, that you are the one that loved you the most and you are the one who are the award winner and the director of your own movie. The women who fell in love with you, was you in another form, expressing back to you. All the friends you hung out with, were you with you. And as days and shifts went by, friends starting dropping away, new spiritual teachings came your way, new books, new habits, new people, channelling works… all opened up your path to a new way… a new way of being… once again became an invitation.. and you travelled all countries from canada to japan…meeting new cultures, people, learning their ways of communication, what they like and dislike… all the while do you see that you brought about your own pure essence of fun, laughter, being easy about everything, not taking life so seriously, constant learning machine, maverick and thinking out of the box, innovative and making wonderful systems for companies that you worked for and yet love in all things and for all people…. do you now see, how all of those wonderful qualities that you lived through your life…. now came to be useful to everyone around you… did you know that they drank all of it from you… puzzled … almost flabbergasted at how you manage what you do, having fun and joking about all of it on the side? Do you Arun see the brilliance of all that you did? Most of all doing all of that breathing, living and enjoying life, without any attachment to anything, and yet , looking for the next beautiful thing to imagine and create, the next thing to learn and understand, the next way to show another, to help and rebuild? Do you understand Arun how truly brilliant, wonderful, light, fun loving, creative, maverick, innovative genius you always have been? and that your life so far has always been bringing out the best in you? Most of all, do you see that every step along the way, was only a step in self discovery of you, and was not about anything or anyone else??!

And then remember you decided one day, that now you are in a pure place of helping others, with what you have learned in your life, share your energy and life and fun, laughter, creative, learning , innovative genius that you are, now decided you would choose to create other humans towards a happier life? Remember how great that felt and you took on Coaching?! And here you are this day, still doing all of those what you are, still finding ways to explore and dive in head first, and everyone who you know, and who you do not know too, who are reading these words now, who have felt your essence, are also benefitting in some little way, from you, yet again!

All this to say, my dear Arun, I love you! I love who you were, who you are and who you are constantly becoming. I love the time you are me and I am you. I love every moment of life you have lived with me. And I look forward to the newer adventures you will have in the future too. As that is what you do! I love you Arun. I truly do!