Just like you, I was told of the stories of ancient nobilities in school, what it means to be noble. What are the qualities one needs to have to “be a man”, “be a good human being” etc etc. After a few shots of this forced feeding, it became quite repetitive; especially considering that the men around me, my teachers, principal, my dad and his friends all men basically, were anything close to all that was being described. It was just a parrotic repetition of same words, with meanings that were all “sounding good” but had no semblance to reality. Different Masks worn by different men and women, but no energy there. I am used to picking up energies behind the person, event or what is being said and weighing the wheat and discarding the chaff, constantly. It isn’t something that I have to even think about. Probably just like you too. It is automatic. And so, like you, I struggled for a while, going on self blame trip, wondering if it is I who lacked something, inherently. I had profound doubts about my existential goodness, if you want to call it that. Was I a born warped creature, who did not truly comprehend such profound truths, that everyone seemed to understand and was it only me, that thought this is all a marketing stunt?
Year later, after many tumbles of assumptions of truth versus trying to validate learned ideas from society, the futility of it all dawned on me; in the beginning in spurts and epiphanies of course; just like you perhaps. Somehow truth always has a way of being a teaser I feel. It delivers in stages- much to my frustration and wanting to get it all in an instant. Once again, what I learnt about the greats of the history, saints and the sinners, the philosophers and prostitutes, did not help here- For they all claimed “that moment” when it all fell into place. Well at least I wasn’t one of them- once again I was left to fend for my own, picking up threads here and there, and always trying to piece puzzles based on something read here, something that made sense there, and all along, knowing there was something inherently missing here. Was it that I was taking the hard road to all of this self discovery? Was it that I needed the right kind of guru to help me take baby steps perhaps? Once again, truth becomes a striptease to me, removing one miserly clothing in an everlasting overstretched second of time and eagerly watching my eyes follow it around. I felt used. Well ok, sometimes I felt abused as well. Doesn’t really matter how you see it now, does it?
And then most of the clothing was out. Truth was beginning to show itself in its true colors. I can reasonably guess whatever is left to be seen (although the pleasure is always in the last 1% and I don’t know why that is- probably human psyche that’s all- nothing supremely profound here). Through my own failings, if you want to call it that; through my own causes and effects or Karma, if you want to name it something, I stumbled upon something beautiful- And by this I mean something that is inherently beautiful- Unlike the concept of nobility cooked up and served by our educational institutions. Something pristinely beautiful is like a flower or the sea on a clear blue sky day- it is always has its open arms outstretched to you, embracing you, if and when you are ready to receive it. Or like the light of the sun, always there, even to illuminate you on a cloudy gloomy day, above the clouds, untouched, unadulterated, unblemished. You might say I was looking for such pristine beauty to fill me up and drink me in, all along. And as irony would have me, I found this nobility in everyday, every second. It is like that sunshine which never leaves. Even the night it sets, is so I may rest to enjoy it; once again the next day, as if it were all new and fresh once again. Even that illusion was having a beauty unto itself. It is why we even have a second child isn’t it? To enjoy the illusion of permanence when all joy is to be only given in freshness?
Anyway, I give you this today: True nobility I have found in the silent stand of the heart. Your heart. My Heart. Each has that truly noble one, standing by, looking at you, not judging anything you ever do or say or think or feel, it is simply a witness to all you and I, individually, are experiencing. The noble one stands in me, with me, all the time. She is the one who delivers emotion and tears to me when I need to feel human again, in this otherwise world, which desires use and abuse to each and everything. He is the one, who is without use and beyond any abuse. She is the one who calls to me saying ” I am here always, with you, and you do not have to DO anything to please me for, just being with you makes me cry with joy, laughter and love”. True nobility is within each of us, and does not depend on any education, class, creed or color or gender or age. She is there as much with a newborn, as with a dying man. He is the most tender, open and loving and yet she is one of the strongest, fiercest eye I have ever witnessed. She is there, all along, as a companion, within me, of me, part of me always enjoying me. The question is: Am I enjoying her too, as much as she is? And she is silent- No answers, just an openness that is uninhibited of all words and concepts. I give you her today. I offer him today to you my dear friend. And I just want you to feel her. Enjoy him. One so perfectly present and perfectly silent bu only expect when you want to be in her company, and in his presence- will you see your own true nobility- the one who is always here, now, and without any judgement or call, just one who is taking the journey of life with you- like a constant companion in your own time in your own way, for this is the truest companion the most beautiful nobility that is your very own.